#4 - Nigerian Proverb: When an Elder is in the Marketplace, The Child's Head Cannot Sag.

Reflections on an inherent role of 'elders' to safeguard the welfare of 'babies'.

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I bring you another Yoruba proverb from western Nigeria: “when an elder is in the marketplace, the child’s head cannot sag.” The translation sounds a bit awkward in English. Forgive me for my imperfect attempt at a literal translation that retains the focus on the people and actions as described in the original language. But bear with me, it gets better.

Let’s start with some background.

Baby-Carrying in The Yoruba Context

Up till a decade or two ago, babies in western Nigeria spent considerable time snuggled on a woman’s back. Everyone knew, and accepted that a human back was the place to be for babies. Fussy baby? Get the baby on your back. Need them to fall asleep faster and slip into deeper sleep? Get them on someone’s back. Need to get some work done without a hyper baby to get in your way? Back them. And for extra perks at night, throw in a warm bath, pace back and forth with a fresh-faced baby snuggled on your back, and the baby’s smooth, fast, and lasting transition to Slumberland will follow shortly thereafter.

‘Backing a baby’ was women’s turf. The traditional dressing reflected the role of the woman as the baby carrier. It’s why the Yoruba woman usually had four pieces of clothing on—a loose, long-sleeved blouse (buba), tucked into a wrapper tied to the ankle or knee (bro), a headscarf wrapped around the head (glee), and a long scarf draped on one shoulder (iborun). The wrapper’s dimensions contemplated its potential commissioning for the double duty of backing a baby while still concealing the woman’s body. When duty called, the extra scarf would convert to a sash to hold the baby in place. If a woman wanted, the sash could prop the baby and keep their weight off the carrier’s neck and chest.

Occasionally, there were reports of an odd male outlier somewhere with the cheeky need to fire the first shots of WWIII who snuck a baby onto his back. But sightings were rare and few could substantiate the unfounded rumors. So, ssshhhhhhh, we’ll pretend that it never happened at all.

What about now?

Welcome to the 21stCentury and its wide-open doors of fancy baby carriers. Designed with men in mind. Calculated to erode the reliance on women’s clothing pieces for carrying babies. No more hard lines in the sand delineating women’s turf from men’s. No more “the back” and the back alone gospel. No more extra special bonding time with babies for only women and sneaky men. We’re now in the age of dads parenting like a pro, with the swag and adorable confidence that they know they’re doing it right! Check out this dad in the luvs diaper ad:

Screenshot from ispot.tv

Dude has all his supplies in place with his most vulnerable bundle snuggled on his chest and under his watchful gaze. The older child alternates between hanging on his shoulders, walking, and riding her back. Confident and unbothered, he is alert for what lies ahead and on his sides. He is the dashing image of the modern hands-on dad, the symbol of how far many like the Yoruba society have come from the days of ‘women only, back only’ when it came to the care and transport of babies.

But there’s more…

Breastfeeding babies moved with their mamas. Before women were able to pump and store their milk, babies nursed when they got hungry. This on-demand feeding meant that women had to carry their breastfeeding babies with them wherever they went. There was no formula or refrigerated breastmilk to pass in a bottle to a carer. Only those who could feed the baby could move with the baby. And the easiest and most common form of movement (at least for short distances) was on foot for mothers while the babies snuggled on their backs.

Babies and their carriers need help. Once the baby settles into a deep sleep, the carrier lays them flat on a bed to continue their sleep. This is important for the baby to get fresh air, a full stretch, and for the carrier to also rest. While on someone’s back, a baby’s head often droops to the side. Sometimes, it’ll bob up and down as they nod off. Left uncorrected, they will wake up grumpy with an achy neck. Since the carrier cannot see what’s going on behind them unless in front of a mirror, they rely on others around them to help adjust the baby’s head into an upright position where the head does not sag. This is one of those communal tasks that are not based on familial ties but a collective understanding that “it takes a village ….”

Image by Pieter on Pixabay

The proverb in this post—“when an elder is in the marketplace, a baby’s head cannot sag.”—originated at that time when babies went only on women’s backs and were breastfed directly and on demand.

An Elder, A Child’s Head, and The Marketplace

The proverb situates the mother in the marketplace with her baby secured on her back. It sketches an imagery with three prominent keywords— an elder, a baby’s head drooping, and a marketplace. The central imagery is that of a baby in a position that forebodes pain, who is asleep and unable to adjust its own head. The carrier, who has primary responsibility for the baby’s welfare, is oblivious to what is happening to the baby behind her. Both are in the marketplace, surrounded by strangers. Some nuances connect the keywords and presume three things:

1. a need—that a baby’s head on a woman’s back will droop to the side and need to be straightened.

2. an expectation—that “it takes a village to raise a child” so anyone and everyone owes a responsibility for the child’s welfare.

3. a duty—that bluntly implies that the buck stops with the most elderly person who’s in the marketplace at the same time as a baby on a woman’s back.

The need is natural - a baby’s head sags in a state of sleep

A child’s head droops when they fall asleep and they become oblivious to what goes on around them.  They are too young to help themselves and in deep sleep to know that neck pain awaits them when they wake up. hence, babies rely on those around them to stay alert while they sleep, and to act with goodwill in their best interest.

Adults know, and inherit a responsibility to help fix babies’ heads. The primary adult for every baby is the carrier. Yet, no carrier has eyes in the back of her head. And in the days when babies were snuggled on the back, the carrier relied on the collective goodwill of those around her to also watch out for her baby and spot the need to adjust the baby’s head.

The expectation is fundamental - observers must help adjust a baby’s sagging head

Everyone around whoever is carrying a baby has a duty to watch out for the baby’s snug comfort on the back. Even children. These observers are the ones to see and tell the carrier that the wrapper around the baby’s neck is too tight and to loosen it a bit. That her sash, if she’s using one, is loose, causing the baby’s legs to dangle, and to tighten it. That her baby’s head has dropped to the right or the left and needs straightening. They alert her that they are about to touch the baby and straighten its head back to the center. Often, observers are the majority, milling around. Especially in a busy marketplace as this proverb depicts.

The duty is implicit — even if no one else does, it is incumbent on an elder to straighten a baby’s sagging head.

Sometimes, people got engrossed in other things and didn’t see what was going on with a sleeping baby on someone else’s back. But an elderly person always noticed. Or, at least, is expected to. Should the majority miss noticing the baby’s need, fail to alert the mother and straighten the baby’s head, this proverb references an implied assignment which ‘age’ confers and public opinion censures for neglecting.

Sometimes, ‘age’ is what confers the status of an elder because you’re the oldest in your community/family/place of work. Or, despite your age, you are the most senior. Perhaps you’re the one with the most amount of knowledge or information. Or the one with the largest stock of means.

According to this wisdom, whatever makes you an elder also confers an implicit responsibility on you to be on the lookout for the babies around you. The ones who are younger, newer, with little or no experience. The helpless, the powerless, and those completely dependent on the system. They could be the taken-for-granted, the underdogs, the have-nots, or the ones considered less-thans. Look for them wrapped on the backs of those who have primary charge of them. Yet, they cannot see what’s happening with the babies on their backs or feel when their heads drop to the side so cannot help them at all times.

While the babies are not your wards, you are the elder with the inherent duty to ensure that no harm comes to them on your watch.

You are about your own primary business, either as a seller or buyer in the busy marketplace of life. But your presence in the same location as any baby activates your inherent responsibility as an elder to ensure that their head stays upright. 

The babies slumber on in helpless trust while their heads sags crookedly to the side. The carriers keep moving with oblivious ease. By not being the one carrying the baby, you can see what the carrier cannot see, and must do what the helpless child cannot do. 

The baby you see today may be a younger person who mis-speaks, mis-acts, misinterprets a situation, and you are the elder there who sees, hears, and notes the out-of-line situation. Or it’s a new hire who is oblivious to the nuances of the company culture and is not yet fitting in but the supervisor is too busy/nonchalant/uninterested to see/correct/guide. Don’t be an unworthy elder and ignore the situation. Help straighten the baby’s head.

Straightening a Baby’s Head

There are ways to straighten the crooked head of a sleeping child on someone’s back. And there are ways not to. Some elders do it wrong. You can do it right and it all boils down to three things.

Intention. Keep the baby’s welfare in mind. Don’t walk through your day or situations or life mindless, closed off to the needs around you. Wherever you are, there’s a baby fast asleep on an adult’s back, unable to move the drooping head and prevent neck pain when awake. Remember, the adult carrying the baby needs the help of those who can see what’s going on with the baby. Show up in places with the intention of spotting this commonplace occurrence. You will, if you keep your mind open.

Notice. Alert the carrier when the head of the sleeping ward on her back needs straightening. By being in the same space as her, you are the eyes on her back or a mirror for her. Step up and give her notice of what you’ve seen. Do it without judgment or censure. Think of it as a friendly alert.

Action. Supervise the straightening of the baby’s head or do it yourself. You know the neck pain that lies in the child’s future, if you leave the head drooped to the side. Let that spur you to act on your intentions for the baby’s welfare. Follow up on the notice you’ve given the carrier. Act in the best interests of the child and the carrier. How?

1. Just do it. You’ve given notice. The carrier is aware of the need. Don’t just talk and walk away. Walk your talk and fix the baby’s head.

2. Be gentle. Fix gently, no yanking. In ways that will not disturb the baby’s sleep, who should likely be sleeping at that time anyway. Your role is not to wake the baby. Leave that decision to the carrier. Yours is to contribute to the baby’s enjoyment of their sleep and the prevention of future pain. Gently adjust and be on the lookout for whichever other baby with the same need.

3. Be affirming. The carrier cannot see the need. The baby is asleep, oblivious to the need. And others may be busy, unmindful of the need. Step into your role without berating anyone. Consider it what it rightfully is—an opportunity to serve to meet a need and to. Possibly, to also train onlookers on the elegant act of alerting and straightening.

There have been several instances in my life where I was the baby with a sagging head that my carrier was unaware of. Many more lies in my future. Here’s a story of a past instance and an outline of how the elder who witnessed it swung into action.

The Example of Elder Mrs A

I was about 8 or 9 years old, before the days of cell phones or widespread home phones. Dad sent me to the next block in our neighborhood to ask if a service provider could pass by our house in the morning to see him. It was in the days when I lived like a fleeting shadow. Either I had my nose buried in a book or I was indulging my imagination and writing stories in my head. That evening, it was the former. I left home, and left my mind at home.

An older woman answered my knock at the service provider’s home. Let’s call her Mrs A.

Mrs A looked at me kindly and asked for my mission. I said to her, “Good evening, ma. I am Mr. XYZ’s daughter in Line 3. He sent me here to ask if Baba Matthew can please stop by in the morning for a discussion.”

“Oh?” she said, and looked at me with a funny look.

She asked how old I was. She asked if I knew “Baba Matthew” and had seen him before.

It was supposed to be a quick trip, not an inquisition. I could feel my poor book, alone under my pillow, getting more restless for my fingers. My little heart was getting annoyed, wanting to be done with my mission and run back home.

She asked what I called Mr. XYZ. Oblivious to the straightening that was going on, I responded. “Well, Daddy?”

Mrs A leaned against the wall with a sigh. She stared at me and asked: “Did it occur to you that “Baba Matthew” is the head of a family and “Matthew” may be an adult three times your age?” she asked.

By this time, my eyes had grown rounder and bigger. I felt moist, with a dull thud in my chest. I stammered an apology and longed to disappear.

“Next time, could you start by asking: “Is the father or mother of this house home? Don’t go around repeating the names adults use for each other.”

But Mrs A wasn’t done.

Concerned for my welfare, she had responded instinctively to the sight of my sagging head. My parents—my invisible carrier at the time—were at home, oblivious that my head had drooped. She knew them. She knew that I knew better than I had acted if only I’d been more conscious. I had practically sleepwalked to her house in my body while my mind was back home inside the pages of the book I was reading.

She was gracious. She was kind. She was clear. And she knew when her straightening of the crooked drop of my head was complete. She wisely backed off and got her husband to the door so I could give him my message. Under her kind and watchful gaze, I delivered a flawless message using the proper address. One befitting his age and status as the head of her household.

I never saw her again and didn’t even tell my parents or siblings about it. But I remember Mrs A’s act of service that day to straighten my head. Her intentions were good. Her notice was non-combative. And her actions were gentle.

One more example.

The Example of Elder Maya

Maya Angelou is a household name who needs no introduction. She left us a wealth of wisdom through her writing and her words. A dear friend sent me this video last week that captures the what, why, and how to show up in life as a respectful, respected, and regal elder. There’s no commentary needed for her actions and explanation. Just watch, listen, and learn/reflect.

Dear Elder, Be Elder Mrs A or Elder Maya?

This proverb — “when an elder is in the marketplace, a baby’s head cannot sag”—is not about the baby that must be carried on someone else’s back till they are able to walk safely on their own. They don’t know what’s happening while asleep.

The proverb is not so much about the carrier on whose back a baby sleeps. There’s only so much the carrier can do about the baby’s neck from her angle. 

This proverb is about the elder, who is in the same location as a baby whose present welfare is compromised and future comfort could be jeopardized, if left in its current state. YOU are that elder to many babies.

YOU are that elder in many ways—the older/wiser/smarter/more resourced person who is going about life minding their own business but in the same location as those akin to babies in age, status, and areas of need.

The world needs you to step up and show up like Elder Mrs A. Like Elder Maya.

The world needs you to nurture the good intention that our humanity bestows for the welfare of babies not your own but around you.

The world needs you to learn how to notify carriers in ways that are prompt and winsome that the heads of the babies they carry is sagging.

The world needs you to not only notify carriers, but to follow up with straightening the babies’ heads that droop and will hurt if not set right.

YOU can discharge your duty like Mrs A did. Or like Maya Angelou did and challenged you to do.

Don’t hide. Don’t balk. Don’t ignore. Be aware. Be alert. Be gentle. Be affirming. WE need you to keep the welfare of the many babies of the world in mind and to constantly remember your inherent duty that “an elder cannot be in the marketplace and a baby’s head droops.”

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